Chain Reaction

I find it interesting how some things can start a chain reaction that escalates into something so big that you wonder if it is just you who is affected by it.

For me, I do not have a huge problem with being "guy crazy." Granted, you can ask my friends and they make fun of me for it and they all agree I need to find someone. I just love to flirt, it is my nature. But deep down and what they do not know is I have found the guy I want to be with...I just cannot have him.

I went to a show last night, Jeff Dunham; and I had a great time at the show as well. But as I sat there, I felt like something was missing. The more I thought about it and the more I thought of the past. It hit me then that I knew exactly what was missing…it was not a something but it was a person…it was Him. He is the guy that since the first day I saw him, I had a thing for him. He is the guy that made me fall out of love with my ex just by running into him at the school library. He is the guy who I can honestly say I have been in love with for years…5 and counting.

The Story:

When I first met him, there was something about him. I did not know what it was but it was because of him that I looked forward to going to work, just to see him. I remember the first time I ever hung out with him. I went on a camping trip with my co workers and after the trip, a few of us decided to go party with one of the guys. They were roommates. So, we went to his house and for the first time him and I really talked outside of work. As time went on, we hung out more at his apartment. Soon I was spending the night in his room with him. Sleeping next to the man that I had a huge crush on was the most nerve racking thing I had been through. I spent a couple of nights there and we mostly talked at night. Then he got a girlfriend.

Crushed, I just went on with my life being his friend, but of course, flirting when I could. Time went on and we slowly drifted apart. Then came the night I got very angry with him and cut off our friendship. I moved on with my life then and found Richard. Totally in love, I was set. It was not until the day Richard and I went to the library before a class that I saw him for the first time in a long time. When I saw him, I was struck with all the feelings I had suppressed. I knew in my heart and mind that it was that moment that I fell out of love with Richard.

He and I continued to talk off and on from that point on. Richard and I started to fall apart and he was there for me through it. Giving me the advice I needed to keep going. Soon after, Richard and I broke up. It was hard for me, seeing as Richard was the first man I loved and loved me in return. As time went on, he and I began hanging out again. Closer and closer we got. In the back of my mind, I knew that he always knew my feelings. We would joke about the past often…well more or less, he joked. To me, I was on the right road with him…with one tiny set back, he was married…but on the course of a divorce. I often would go to his place and we would hang out watching movies or what have you. Then finally, I had him in one way that I always wanted.

To my dismay and due to the fates, his mother got sick and his ex became close again and eventually got back together. I was crushed of course, but I knew in my heart it was not going to last. A few months later, a divorce was put back into affect. By early summer, he was mine again…in a sense at least. Him and I hung out more, did movie nights and I often spend the night again. Of course, as if I was not supposed to be with him, he gained another girlfriend. I thought at one point I had fallen out of love with him finally...

The Present:

Thanks to seeing Jeff Dunham last night, the chain reaction started. I was first introduced to Jeff Dunham because of him. He was the first person to show me who this great comedian was. I never would have imagined that going to see Jeff without him would be a big deal, until now. He was what was missing; he was not by my side to share it with me. The more I thought about it the more I realized that my stomach was filled with butterflies. I’m finding it hard not to think about him now and I keep thinking about our fun times a year ago. I’m missing him not only on a love interest level but as my best friend too.

He is the only person who knows almost everything about me. He is the only person I trust to tell anything to. He is the only person that no matter what my mood can always make me smile and laugh. He is the only person that no matter what…I believe I will always love.

I probably will never truly tell him either…especially not while he is happy in his current relationship. I will do what I do best and be the good friend and be there when he needs me. Keeping my feelings to myself, I will watch from the sidelines and wait for my turn…if there will ever be a turn for me.

I find it interesting how some music will put a certain kind of feeling into a person that they just have to run with. I always leave on my Itunes on random, I'm not much for listening to one band or artist at one given time and like the variety. But while I was listening to random, it just gave me music that I was just...plainly not in the mood for. I finally settled on a band that I heard many years ago, Waking Ashland. Now, as one song started, I realized that it gave me a little drive. I began to look at things as if I needed to be doing something. I started going through my desk and found my past. A past which I kept documented in one way or another. Journal writings, poems, and drawings both by me and my ex. The music gave me a drive to face my past and even embrace it. But the best thing it gave to me was the will and want to draw again and to paint...basically the music inspired me to do more than I have settled for.